let it out, E.

when i typed that last post, my life was already hectic. but little did i know, my situation would worsen.

shambles. chaos. disorder. havoc. these are words that describe my life since i arrived at LAX to depart for Nashville. i haven't had one day... or even ONE MINUTE of normalcy since August 22, 2009.

where to start? i guess i'll work my way backwards.

September 29, 2009 - October 1, 2009
i'm driving on the freeway at about 12PM when i get the call:
"hello?"
"hello. may i please speak with Erin?"
"this is she."
"you have to move out."

i had just left ballet class and i was overwhelmed with homework, so already i had been physically and mentally exhausted. but this call just threw me over the edge. as the conversation went on, i found out that we had a severe mold problem in our apartment and my roommates and i were to remove ALL items immediately. in other words, this woman called to tell me we were homeless. terrified, overwhelmed, and hopeless, i rushed home. I couldn't begin to pack up three years of items, I couldn't begin to worry about the loads of homework i had to complete, i could no longer stress out about my relationship (or lack of) with gary. All i could do was cry and sit with a blank stare and a blank mind. the water seemed too deep. this, on top of several other unmentionable issues, made me want to just drown completely.

A few hours later, we still hadn't begun packing, we were informed that we would be staying in a hotel and MAYBE we'd be able to move into an apartment within the complex... MAYBE everything could be fixed... but no one was sure. Things were still bad, but this was better than being unsure about where we'd lay our heads for the night. Fast forward to tuesday - after 6 days of hotel madness (... yes, our hotel stay was anything BUT easy - thank you to certain inconsiderate, childish individuals, school, and many more variables) we were able to move back into our apartment. everything had been renovated and we no longer had to worry about finding another place to stay (thank God)... But I was still shaken and overwhelmed - i had class and one of the most important interviews of my life in under two hours... but i had yet to prepare due to these extreme circumstances... (keep in mind EVERYTHING i've ever owned is in unlabeled garbage bags). needless to say, i did the best that i could during the interview, although my mind was obviously preoccupied with other thoughts and i was nervous, so i stumbled a little bit.

As I type this, my belongings are still in bags, but I do plan to get to them as soon as i'm done. today's looking like a brighter day. for a month now, this cloud of depression has been looming over me - everywhere i went, there was rain - but today, I don't feel that cloud anymore. a new beginning. sunshine. that's what i'm looking forward to today, Thursday, October 1, 2009.

August 23, 2009 - September 21, 2009.
Saga of the never-ending car troubles, accidents, etc.: almost $3,000 worth of work was done. that's that. not really much need for explanation. all you should know is that it prohibited me from being fully productive and it created NUMEROUS hardships.

August 22, 2009.
i'll never forget his eyes, for they were filled with hollowness and hopelessness. his hug was so cold. for the first time, i saw completely through him - and to my amazement, there was no trace of the heart that was once there. i felt so used. verbally, he's made it very clear that it wouldn't work. but his body language is what confused and swindled me. his words did not match his actions, but being that i was naive, vulnerable and completely lost in love, i only listened to his body, not his mind. i was taken advantage of. he used me to get what he wanted, and left me with absolutely nothing... well, by nothing of course, i mean pain, sorrow and frustration. not even a call. not even a note. not even the smallest gesture to let me know that he cared just a little. i struggled with other situations, that i'm positive he heard about through the grapevine, still no sign of concern. no support.

i've had my bouts of anger. i've exploded several times... up until yesterday. but it stops here.

i will not be bitter and say that i've wasted 4 years of my life giving my absolute all to him, because i know God simply would not waste time - for my life is far too valuable to both Him and i. this experience was just one of His many lessons for me. and for this lesson, i thank Him.

and so this was the beginning of my troubles.


but this post will be the end.

through all of this, my mother & father kept repeating three things to console me and they've truly helped me stay afloat. 1) take everything one step/one second at a time and 2) there's a beginning and end to EVERY crisis: in the beginning the conditions seem unbearable, but you must wait it out and endure the pain and eventually, it will all end and 3) God puts us through situations like this to strengthen us and our faith.

i say all of this to say that...
i'm leaving everything that happened in August and September in the past.
i'm looking forward to an extremely bright future.
i'm finally making time for my passion (photography).
head up and all smiles. =)

aahhh. it felt good to finally put all of my troubles in a box and send them off. doubt anyone made it this far, but if you have, thanks for listening to my rants and raves. good day.

--E.